“I love Halloween, but how do I celebrate the most fun-riffic of fun holidays without turning my kids into candy-toting targets for the crack-addled crosshairs of pushers, prostitutes, and pederasts?”
Well, no need to worry. Parents, adults, and kids of all ages can spend a spooky, but safe, all hallow’s eve this year at a family-oriented haunted house. Our Lady of the Holy Redemptor, at 314 Brewster Square, presents its House of Horror this October 27-31. Our Teens for Christ youth council has outsourced the construction of the haunted hall to Lovecraft Enterprises, and our parishioners’ donations (which paid for the transformation of our cathedral) were not wasted.
From the Maze of Hybrid Squalor Near the Ancient Waterfront Opposite Governor Island to the Gardens Which Laugh and Speak, Insolent in Their Chromatic Perversion, you are guaranteed to be creeped out to the MAX. Get ready for fun and fear, and a rock-climbing wall! Our choir loft has been mutated into a monstrously convincing Babel of Sound and Filth and our prayer room was proud to become the Tangle of Material and Spiritual Putrescence of Blashpemies.
And it’s all for you!
Whether you are an elder god, or just an old fashioned unspeakable subterranean menace with a sinless love of Halloween fun, this haunted house is for you. Listen to these satisfied customers from former events:
* I staggered dizzily, shut my eyes, and covered my ears.
o Karen Whitcomb, teacher, age 29
* I dashed about in the chaotic world that unholy temple had woven about me.
o Wesley Miller, loan officer, age 53
* Holding my knife as far as possible ahead of me, I started once again for the shining crystal.
o Mandi, student, age 7
Remember folks, tell your friends, although we are fairly certain that any description by mortal tongue of the shaggy, dream breeding exhalations to be found at this fun and family oriented event will cause the listener to be driven irrevocably mad with horror.
Praise the Lord! And come on out!