In an emergency session earlier today, congress approved the appointment of a special ambassador to help restore calm in Egypt. According to Ambassador Egyptian Lover, not only is Egypt the place to be, but is also his primary residence (he apparently has dual citizenship). His house, on the Nile, that’s right, is said to have waterbeds 50 feet long with solid gold speakers to hear his songs.

When asked how he intends to deal with the Egyptian president, the new ambassador replied “Handling him is no problem at all.” Pressed further on specifics, he offered “I’ll make him climb a mirrored wall.”