My advice to computers? Pick up a harlequin romance novel once in a while and learn about humanity.

Author: Josh  |  Category: nonfiction, science

Full disclosure: I am an amateur physicognomist and all-around student of how things move/shake/twist/roll and/or bounce in what philosophers have long referred to as “the like, whole universe, man.”

Please don’t think I am bragging when I say, humbly, that I know how things work. Do you wonder what will happen if you drop an egg? Wonder no more, dear reader. This is exactly the sort of thing my training prepares me to address. It will break. Sometimes yellow stuff flies everywhere, sometimes not. What do I have in common with the world’s most complex and expensive computer models predict will happen if you tilt a half-filled glass?[1] We both predict the same outcome–pouring water. There are differences, however. My explanation will be delivered in a sensuous, almost hypnotic baritone while the computers will mostly beep and boop. Before any announcement can be made, the computer’s handlers will read reams of ticker tape excreted from a buzzing metallic void, confer, and report in their favorite journal about the findings. The tentative title will be “On Not Crying: An approximate Navier-Stokes model of Milk Spillage.” Eventually, a public statement can be made. But be warned. It will be the words of the computer you will be hearing, translated into human speech by the “scientists.” The announcement will not be made with the tenderness you have come to expect. Remember our time together, not so long ago? You wondered about eggs falling, and I told you what would happen in a sensuous, almost hypnotic baritone and for one moment, you, the universe, and science were one? Man that was awesome.

Bottom line: You should get your science from me, and not computers that couldn’t care less about you if they came preloaded with software specifically designed to make them care less about you. To show you I am serious, I give you the following physics tutorial. With my background it’s easy for me to dismiss most movie effects as ridiculous. Once in a while, though, somebody puts in the time to make their action sequence realistic. When this happens, movies stop being just movies and start being awesome movies you wish you lived in.

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[1] Actually they will probably say half-empty glass, because computer models are heartless bastards. My advice to computers and their models? Pick up a harlequin romance novel once in a while and learn about humanity.