“I love Halloween, but how do I celebrate the most fun-riffic of fun holidays without turning my kids into candy-toting targets for the crack-addled crosshairs of pushers, prostitutes, and pederasts?”

Well, no need to worry. Parents, adults, and kids of all ages can spend a spooky, but safe, all hallow’s eve this year at a family-oriented haunted house. Our Lady of the Holy Redemptor, at 314 Brewster Square, presents its House of Horror this October 27-31. Our Teens for Christ youth council has outsourced the construction of the haunted hall to Lovecraft Enterprises, and our parishioners’ donations (which paid for the transformation of our cathedral) were not wasted.

From the Maze of Hybrid Squalor Near the Ancient Waterfront Opposite Governor Island to the Gardens Which Laugh and Speak, Insolent in Their Chromatic Perversion, you are guaranteed to be creeped out to the MAX. Get ready for fun and fear, and a rock-climbing wall! Our choir loft has been mutated into a monstrously convincing Babel of Sound and Filth and our prayer room was proud to become the Tangle of Material and Spiritual Putrescence of Blashpemies.

And it’s all for you!

Whether you are an elder god, or just an old fashioned unspeakable subterranean menace with a sinless love of Halloween fun, this haunted house is for you. Listen to these satisfied customers from former events:

* I staggered dizzily, shut my eyes, and covered my ears.
o Karen Whitcomb, teacher, age 29

* Holding my knife as far as possible ahead of me, I started once again for the shining crystal.
o Mandi, student, age 7

Remember folks, tell your friends, although we are fairly certain that any description by mortal tongue of the shaggy, dream breeding exhalations to be found at this fun and family oriented event will cause the listener to be driven irrevocably mad with horror.

Praise the Lord! And come on out!

Bin Laden
is
  is
      hiding out right now
and...
   and
      is still such a leader of this terrorist movement.

There
     there
             are many more challenges
          there.
So,
again,
I believe that
a surge in Afghanistan
also will lead us to victory
                 there
as it has proven to have done in Iraq.
And as I say, Katie,
                 that
we cannot afford to retreat,
to withdraw in Iraq.

    That's not gonna get us any better off in Afghanistan either.
And as our leaders are telling us in our military

 we do need to ramp it up
 in Afghanistan,
 counting on our friends
 and allies to assist
  with us
                          there
  because
  these terrorists who hate America,
                          they
  hate what we stand for
   with the

     the freedoms,
     the democracy,
                       the...
     the women's rights,
     the tolerance,
                          they
  hate what it is that we represent
     and our allies, too,
     and our friends,
                      what they represent.
                      

“They’re beautiful.” My lover struggled to remain composed but nearly wept at the weight of them.

The attendant smiled politely. “They have hair triggers and a set of 100 cartridges is included. “

As she handed one of the display cases to me, it was my turn to fight tears. The chamber was surround by a metallic starburst of precision machining. What I’d thought was a setting fixture for the rifles was instead a wreath of 700 nitro express rounds. I was beginning to hallucinate the scent of cordite filling the display cases and spilling into the street, telling the world of our love.

“For two young people like you,” he all but winked and nodded, “I’ll throw in a pair of tooled gunbelts that belonged to James Arness.” I was skeptical and it showed, but I owned leather from virtually every James Arness vehicle, and I had never seen anything like these. I figured I could get the price down if I expressed my doubt firmly, but politely. “I’m skeptical and it shows, but I own leather from virtually every James Arness vehicle, and I have never seen anything like these.”

He seemed to relish the banter and continued, “Remember the episode of Gunsmoke where Miss Kitty has to convince a Pinkerton that she and Festus are father and daughter? Remember just before the inevitable failure of the plan in a hail of Festus’s frontier jibberjabber when Marshall Dillon breaks in and catches the three of them in the parlor and threatens to shoot them dead unless they perform forbidden and thoroughly unpalatable sex acts at a sideshow in a nearby town while the marshall sells sniffs of Miss Kitty’s petticoats as a cure for impotence? You know how he drew on the angry mob when they knocked out the Pinkerton with a head of cabbage, interrupting the delicate finishing sequence of the “Golden Lotus”? Right when he starts firing indiscriminately into the mob, accidentally winging Miss Kitty’s niece, these very holsters are visible for a couple of frames. Then they get soaked in gore and are unrecognizable for the rest of the scene.”

He obviously knew his Gunsmoke, because I remembered that scene. However, I was determined to haggle a little more.

“How are we supposed to keep large-bore rifles in holsters meant for sidearms?” I asked. My fiance seemed mortified, as though I’d asked permission to relieve myself in the man’s jacket. He smiled the cloying rictus of all salesmen and closed the deal. “The stocks are removable and may be custom fitted by our in house weaponsmeister.“ He was already helping me into a belt and showing me how to balance the dread firearms into the holsters.

“See?” he noted,” perfect for young lovers.”

From his other side, my lady chuckled, “I couldn’t agree more.“

My better half shouldered her oil-wet dowry, already loaded, and leveled it at the salesman’s chest . Pressing him slowly into the wall behind the display case, she smiled and swiveled her good eye towards me. She took a long, slow breath. “Do you smell that, baby? It’s like the whole island knows we’re in love.”